Woke up to thunder this morning and spent twenty-odd minutes listening for my little ones to wake before I remembered they aren't here. Tis not my weekend, so I won't see them till tomorrow afternoon.
I feel empty a lot of the time, but never so much as when they're gone. It's not quite 8 am yet and I'm pathetically just wondering how to get through the day.
I'll perk up, clean up, get out when it stops raining, but largely because that's what's expected, right? Somehow I need to remember (?) or maybe learn for the first time how to do all these things with real interest.
Never been good at alone, and all of this shines quite the spotlight on alone.

It's been a while, and yet again, doesn't seem so.
Must say, divorce sucks. Especially when the mutual understanding of an end goal is still absent. But that should be a good reminder of why I'm doing what I am.
Husband wants to buy a minivan "for the kids" and is on match.com wanting more kids.
Part of me wants to laugh. Part of me wants to throw up. The rest of me struggles with both. And more with what's happening to them. Calvin sleeping with me again, Penelope afraid if I'm more than two feet away. I totally get it now. Staying married. I'd have more time, more control. I truly don't know, still, if I'm doing the right thing. That's whinging about a decision already made. But I'm horrified by what's already happening. They're too small. Their non-existent dad has too much to prove. And I'm out here in no man's land. With no support.
I want to look to what's next. But at what expense?

what now?

I don't think I know what to think any longer. Every time I think do, something forcibly smacks the point into me that I don't. I go one way, circumstances veer the other. And I give way. Is that weak? Don't know.

Just now I hurried downstairs to grab the camera so I could load pictures into this week's farm newsletter, and I thought my foot cleared the cricket pull toy, but I wound up half flying, half skating cross the room and simultaneously managed to smack knees into the dishwasher door and head on floor. It was certainly forcible, but left me no clearer.

I'm after change for change's sake now. Is that right? What about my children? Am I the most selfish thing since I don't know what?

They are everything. Pull toy ice skates and markers in bed and tender pureed peas all over every inch of me. I imagine life without sometimes, but I'd never give them up. One glance and the world is brighter, sweeter, and fresher. I would like sleep. But I've got decades for that, or at least I hope I do. I want all for them. I'm so filled with doubts.

Wrong

While I still think some things can forgiven, I'm wrong for thinking one can believe in one's senses. Think, at all times. As much as it sucks.

Summer

I think one can be forgiven for some things. If you close your eyes and all you feel and smell and hear is beautiful, and you open your eyes and all you see is beyond beautiful, it kind of becomes incomprehensible. So shutting out all thought, and just believing in sense—well, it makes sense. And, letting thought back in, I think it's worth holding on to. No matter what end.

Someday

That's the book Calvin wants to read at bedtime every night these days, and it makes me cry. I know I'm overly emotional sometimes anyway, but wishing for so much in his future and thinking of him long after I'm gone just makes me cry. Especially when so much is changing, or about to change in his little life. And I don't feel adequate for the impact I may have. Penelope needs so much right now, and Calvin wants so much, and tonight he's exercising his best I want Daddy, you get away from me, tantrum and tears. And as his mom, I should be able to withstand this, and not get transparently sad. But what will this be when daddy's not ever here? How angry will he get? Am I being unbearably selfish?
And just as I despair, the spell is over, and he comes back to me. But how long will that last?
All parenting is filled with equal measures doubt and optimism I guess, and a good dose of wonder too. I'll put this down to being tired and still sick with whatever they both had last week. A wavery sort of night. Wondering what Someday will really bring us. I never expected it would bring this turn of events. So who's to say. Trying to remain hopeful is about all there is to do.

To Flee

Why is the idea of cutting and running so appealing? And simultaneously soul destroying? What's left in between is what will happen. I wish I knew what that was.