Woke up to thunder this morning and spent twenty-odd minutes listening for my little ones to wake before I remembered they aren't here. Tis not my weekend, so I won't see them till tomorrow afternoon.
I feel empty a lot of the time, but never so much as when they're gone. It's not quite 8 am yet and I'm pathetically just wondering how to get through the day.
I'll perk up, clean up, get out when it stops raining, but largely because that's what's expected, right? Somehow I need to remember (?) or maybe learn for the first time how to do all these things with real interest.
Never been good at alone, and all of this shines quite the spotlight on alone.

It's been a while, and yet again, doesn't seem so.
Must say, divorce sucks. Especially when the mutual understanding of an end goal is still absent. But that should be a good reminder of why I'm doing what I am.
Husband wants to buy a minivan "for the kids" and is on match.com wanting more kids.
Part of me wants to laugh. Part of me wants to throw up. The rest of me struggles with both. And more with what's happening to them. Calvin sleeping with me again, Penelope afraid if I'm more than two feet away. I totally get it now. Staying married. I'd have more time, more control. I truly don't know, still, if I'm doing the right thing. That's whinging about a decision already made. But I'm horrified by what's already happening. They're too small. Their non-existent dad has too much to prove. And I'm out here in no man's land. With no support.
I want to look to what's next. But at what expense?