Cold

I can not get warm today. And I'm not even in my own drafty house (which still has screens on the windows). I suspect I'm catching my son's cold, which he's caught from little Kyra at daycare, who seems to ALWAYS have a cold. But I'm also just cold inside.

I feel like I have four parts to my life. Me. Me and Calvin. Me and Chris and farm. Me and my other job.

While my office job hasn't brought a lot of joy to my life for some time, it didn't always diminish what joy there was either. And now it seems to. Coworkers were laid off last week, and the new and clear goals of the company do not include promoting the sort of craft books I've spent the last 8 or so years devoting my time to, better or worse. There's not much incentive left to care about them—something I was already struggling with. So I am going through motions. Wishing I would be laid off. Forcing myself to be here even more than I already was.

As for the farm, I don't feel like I'm a part of it anymore. And there really isn't a me and Chris at the moment. And I don't know if that's fixable or not. But I do know I had a lovely evening home alone last night. That's not right. Especially when I acknowledge that even Calvin's happier when we're alone, which he can only be getting from me. I guess I do know that I'd rather fix this than not. That's someplace to start from, isn't it?

Me and Calvin. Now that's happy.

Me . . . Well, maybe there are really just three parts to my life at the moment. Although I've been knitting and sewing and crafting away at home again. That is me. And I've made an outline for my CSA book that I'll probably never put together.

Maybe I will. I need to change some things. I'm trying.